Time changes this week. It already seems dark when I wake up, so after the time change it will feel like the middle of the night. I still wonder how much sleep is enough. When I was a teen-ager, we would almost have contests to see who could sleep the longest. Now it’s hard to stay asleep. This is more of the wonder of growing accustomed to being a senior citizen.
Freud’s thing “zu arbeiten und zu lieben“ (to work and to love) still sticks in my mind. I usually like being retired. I like not having to wear a pager and literally being on call 24 hours a day. I don’t think I realized how burned out I was until I left. The clinic I worked in was a very good place. Everyone I worked with was supportive and I did enjoy the work. It was only after I had left that I realized how much time had gone by. I was there almost 20 years. It didn’t seem that long, but it was.. Other providers say the same thing in that they dont realize how much time has past. I think it is seeing and treating so many patients. You can get sucked into their lives and as soon as one patient leaves another appears. I think it made me lose focus on my own priorities. Now everyday is like an endless weekend. Some days that is OK and some days not. I think about boredom and what it means. I know that as long as I can find something interesting to do I wont be bored, but March is a slow month. The weather is unpredictable. The last few days have been almost Spring like, but our guard is still up. Snow and frigid temperatures could be right around the corner. Today is overcast and rain and storms seem to be just waiting to erupt.
This election cycle may also play a big part in my mood. It seems to have invaded every part of life. I can’t believe what is going on. One of the candidates is drawing comparisons to Hitler. Another reminds me of Jerry Brown (the 60s version, not the same guy who is now the governor of California). I hear pundits from both sides praising their candidates and I just want to move to Canada or Ireland. When I was in my 20s the peace love thing was big. “Don’t trust anyone over 30,etc,etc”. We were going to change the world and have this great society based on love and acceptance. Well, that really worked out. I am concerned that so many young people want to try this again, but maybe they have to. The thought that our country could end up as a fascist state is unbelievable. Maybe I watch the news too much. I try not to, but I’m almost like a junky hooked on heroin. I have to watch or check CNN online. The news media keeps everything going and continues to suck me in. I may need detox from all of this.
I now know it was William Buckley who said “Industry Is The Enemy of Melancholy”. I know if I find something to do that interests me it would help, but discovering that something is beyond me right now. There are endless projects and busy work. I could alphabetize my books by author and genre. However that is something one of my sons would do. I could go work out to the point of exhaustion, but that is something my other son would do. I now have a fitness tracker so I can check how many steps I take each day. Who knew a small piece of technology could make you feel guilty? I am supposed to walk at least 10,000 steps a day (about 5 miles). If I do the fitbit makes a happy little buzzy sound. If I don’t, I get all of these emails and texts about how close I am. Is it wrong to fantasize about going to my tool chest for a hammer? As with everything it depends on the day.
I could blame this on retirement and lack of structure, but that is probably not correct. One year my mother-in-law gave me a kit to make a pair of leather moccasins. I had to stitch these different pieces of material together with leather thongs. I guess she thought it would be good for me and maybe I wouldn’t bother her daughter as much. I have always hated crafts and remember asking my wife later why the hell she gave me that. I put the box away and didn’t touch it for years. Then one day, probably in March, during a particularly busy time at work I found it hidden away in my closet. I started and couldn’t stop until I had made these kind of cheesy slippers. Why did that get me out of my funk back then? It was just the right thing at the right time and I was willing to try something new. Maybe that is the clue, being open to something that you never thought you would or could do. I think I’ll look thru my closet again. Who knows what is in there.
I still think I am waiting for another pair of slippers.