I suppose this is the time for me to begin thinking about this, but I just don’t picture myself as old yet. Some days it is more difficult to get moving and some days my aches and pains are more evident. Some days it is harder to remember even the simplest things, but my wife says I have always been like that. I don’t think of myself as almost 70. I don’t know what age I am. I am certainly not 21 or 31. Maybe I’m still really only in my 50s. Some days it feels like that and on my good days maybe only in my 40s.However when I look in the mirror I now see some hairs that are no longer just grey. They are white. I have thought about the beard darkener that is advertised on TV, but I would probably end up with a green beard or one that glows in the dark. This adjustment to ageing is still a challenge. I am still fascinated by how others work thru this. Maybe the real secret is not to think about it, but then I think I would be missing something important.
Erick Erickson’s last stage of development is Ego Integrity vs. Despair. Hopefully this is where you can contemplate a positive summation of life. I remember many patients who had difficulty with this and many who were able to achieve it. There was a woman in her mid 70s trying to work thru the death of her husband. He had been a very successful businessman and had died of progressive heart disease at 76. She had a very difficult time with this and began to use alcohol to cope. Her children were very concerned and sent her to us. She was able to stop drinking and maintain sobriety. She was also able to work thru some of her grief. The more she talked about her husband the more she laughed. One day she came in and told me it had been a difficult week. She told me “yesterday would have been our 52nd anniversary”. She also told me that their wedding picture was on the fireplace mantle in her home. “I still talk to him every day— I met him when I was 15 and was never with another man—do you think I’m crazy?” I offered her much support and as the therapy continued, she continued to talk to her late husband. She still felt the tremendous loss but was able to focus on the many positives of their life together.
During that same week the clinic received an emergency call re an 81 y/o man. His son was quite concerned and asked for a work in appointment for his father. The son said that both his mother and father were no longer able to live independently. The mother had just had a small stroke. He had found an assisted living facility that would take both of them, but his father didn’t want to go and had even hinted at suicide. The assisted living facility did not want to take the father until he had been assessed. When I talked to the father I told him we could help him with his depression and arrange for the transfer. He said, “You don’t understand—we have had a terrible marriage. My wife is an awful person and has made my life a living hell. Now they want to put us in a place where we can die together!!” His son agreed that his parent’s marriage had not been good. The mother was transferred, but the father continued to live in the family home. According to the son he seemed much happier.
Relationships can obviously have much to do with general life satisfaction. One of the most important decisions we can make is about our life partner. There are many stories of people in long marriages dying within a year of each other. Yet it still depends on how you define yourself and where meaning in life comes from. Relationships are not the only way to judge a positive life. There was another patient who was a very successful chemical engineer. He had developed many products and even had his own specific patents. When he retired he was overcome with depression. Due to his commitment to his work, his marriage was in second place and after the birth of their two children it fell even further down his list of priorities. When he retired he realized that his wife had developed her own separate life. His adult children had moved away and he had nothing. He began his own consulting firm and this helped. He also developed a real interest in bridge and joined some of the bridge groups in his area. He continued in therapy for many years. He finally accepted his responsibility in what had happened in his marriage, but neither he nor his wife really wanted to change. They were content in the way their lives had developed.
My brothers-in-law and I have an acquaintance that can’t understand how we all decided to retire. He even suggested that we start another business “just to keep you all busy”. He has his own business and has had for over sixty years. He has told us all that he has no plans to retire. He appears to be very happy and will keep working until he falls over. He loves his work and his devotion to it shows.
As I sit here and begin thinking of all of these things, I am grateful for what I have and what I had. I had an opportunity to talk to some of the most interesting people in the world. I have a wife who is still the one person who can consistently make me laugh and who continues to surprise me on almost a daily basis. I know that there is still a ways to go and much work to do. Hopefully I’ll continue to try without using any special hair products.