It is an unreal time. Even though we are healthy, society and our own families look us on as ‘individuals at risk’ because of our age. The whole idea of “isolate at home” seems strange. I went out to the grocery store yesterday and was amazed at the number of people buying immense amounts of food before the state order to isolate went into effect at 5:00PM. We can still go out to the store and I did this morning to get newspapers. The streets and stores are all fairly empty.
I keep thinking that this is unlike any time in my life. Even after Nine Eleven I still went to work everyday. I remember taking a day off for a blizzard, but only a day off.
This just seems different.
Maybe it is because of the threat of death. Initially the only people at risk were the elderly with underlying conditions. Now it seem like there is a great uncertainty as to who is at risk for the worst type of this disease. When I thought about this I realized that I have two friends with those underlying conditions that are both at risk. This has made my own mortality become more real. My father died at forty-eight, my mother at fifty-nine. I have outlived my grandfathers and almost all of my aunts and uncles. I have a cousin who is a month younger. He is in good health, but he is also facing this. The whole idea and experience of aging still is hard to grasp. I don’t feel old, but sometimes my body does. I can’t do what I used to. If I do, I pay for it physically for a much longer time.
Maybe this is a time to reflect on what I have to be grateful for. This June we will be married for forty-seven years. When I was at a doctor’s appointment recently I told a nurse this and she asked “Happily?” I said yes. All marriages go thru periods of intimacy and distance. However I have been very happy with my wife. Last week she had cataract surgery and I was reminded again of how much she means to me. She really is the center of my life. Our sons are adults now with their own families. I heard someone say once that you will always be a parent and this is certainly true. No matter how old they are, they are still my children. I usually think that I know what is best, but I have had to accept that that is no longer true. They both have highly technical jobs that I do not understand. I try to understand the relationships they have in their professional lives, but even this is difficult. They are adults with all of the complexities, conflicts and celebrations that we went thru. I still have much work to do in knowing when to let go.
Their children, our grandchildren are a different matter. I never thought I could love anyone as much as my sons. When their children were born my life changed. I am still amazed at everything these beautiful children do. I treasure every moment with them. I used to laugh and be bored at people who talked of their wonderful grandchildren. Now I am one of those boring people. I heard someone say once how amazed he was at how quickly his grandchildren entered his heart. I now understand.
When I look back I can think of all of the people who helped me become who I am. My parents went thru the great depression and World War II. My parents were raised in the city and moved out to the suburbs to an entirely different type of life. They were both supportive. After my father’s death, my mother never really recovered. I think of my schooling and religious education. As I have gotten older I have thought more and more of my time in seminary. One of my religious directors once told me that I looked as if I was just drifting thru life. I have thought about that and believe it was true. I don’t think I ever really had the commitment or the faith to be in the religious life. All of my friends were and that is why I stayed. I was with some of those guys for over eleven and a half years. When I finally left, I was lost. I didn’t know what to do. I taught for a few years, but I really didn’t want to do that. During this time I met my wife and she helped to center me and make me realize that I had some adult decisions to make. One of my friends told me about social work and that seemed to fit for me. I went to graduate school and then the Family Institute and forty plus years later I can say that that is what I was meant to do.
Retirement and the inevitable process of growing older are still a mysterious journey for me. I would always tell people that work did more than just provide money. It also provided structure.
Since I have retired this has been difficult for me. I have a weekly breakfast group and this has been helpful. This is now on hold because of the virus. I am coming to the realization that this really is a time to reflect and think about the future and the past.
As I have gotten older it really is easier to remember the past than it is the present. All my friends laugh about the lapses in memory we all seem to have. I can have trouble remembering names or other simple things. The past is becoming clearer and maybe that is the way it is supposed to be right now. I would like to be able to answer the “How Did I Get Here” question before my time is up. I still have much work and research to do.