Do you remember the first movie you ever saw? I remember taking my 6 y/o and 2 y/o sons to see a Star Wars movie. My youngest son napped thru the first part and then woke up when the Ewoks appeared. He began talking loudly and stayed awake the rest of the movie.
I think the first movie I saw was Pinocchio. I still remember the start of the film. All of the old Disney films were hand drawn and were beautiful. They all had happy endings and promoted positive values. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, etc, all taught a lot about kindness and inner goodness. My favorite was Dumbo. The little elephant with big ears that everyone rejected. He finally was able to discover his talent and fly with help of a “magic feather”. I’ve often thought about that as a therapist. The “feather” obviously wasn’t what made Dumbo able to fly, but because he believed in it, he was able to. When he finally let it go he found that he had the ability to fly all along. I think that a lot of therapy is about giving someone a “magic feather”. If they believe in it strongly enough, change can happen. There are lots of techniques to do this from cognitive behavioral therapy to mindfulness, meditation and even anti-depressant medication. Some people report almost immediate results from the meds when we know most medication take from 3-12 weeks to achieve results. It’s the individual’s own belief in the ‘cure’ that is important.
There is a very old study about troubled couples deciding to enter therapy. The results of the study were that the decision to enter therapy often was at least as helpful as the therapy itself. Couples who were on long waiting lists often showed as much improvement as couples actually in therapy. The authors hypothesized that this didn’t show the uselessness of therapy, as much as it showed the decision to enter therapy was the key factor in achieving change—the “magic feather”.
There is still so much stigma attached to seeking counseling/therapy. It is still looked on a sign of weakness. We often had people trying to hide if from their insurance companies. I had people who didn’t want their spouses, parents, or children to know that they had made the decision to ask for help.
A lot of people would come in for their first session and be surprised that there wasn’t a couch in my office because that’s what they imagined therapy was about. The importance of helping people relax and begin to trust was essential. I would try to be as supportive as possible to help achieve this. The importance of developing trust and a developing a therapeutic alliance is what the beginning of therapy is all about.
The “magic feather” part comes later when the therapy is progressing. You get to know each other and talk about what is really possible. Not everyone can fly, but everyone has the ability to change. It just depends on how change is defined. In the hospital many years ago, a 16 y/o girl was admitted. Her parents didn’t know how to handle her and told us she was out of control. She was doing drugs, flunking school, and staying out all night. She was the youngest of four girls. Her sisters had all run away from home at 17 by leaving out a rear window. They would come home a year or so later with a husband, a baby, or both. The parents wanted their youngest to not make that same mistake. After she left the hospital she did well for a while, but then began to slip. Her parents were able to set some clear limits. When she left at 17, she left through the front door after saying goodbye to her parents. She had some additional struggles, but then settled down and has had a fairly successful life. Now this might not seem like an important change, but it was to her parents. They thanked the whole hospital staff for the change in their daughter when it was probably them that changed the most. It’s important to help people accept that they are the ones who are doing the work.
It’s very common for people to put their therapists up on a pedestal and give them all the credit for any positive change. I would always resist this. I had no need to be anyone’s false idol. We are all responsible for our own lives. Some patients don’t want to accept this. They want their therapists to “fix them”. The problem with taking credit for anyone’s success is you also make yourself liable for their failure. I didn’t want anyone to be that dependent on me. The decision to enter therapy is hard enough; the decision to stop can be even harder. In the old days therapists would see their patients weekly to semi-weekly (2x per week) for 90 minutes or longer. This could go on for years with patients making very small incremental changes. Now it is a lot different. Insurance companies and the real business of everyone’s lives wont allow that. I did have patients that came to see me for years and some patients only for months. I would tell them all about the Hotel California. “You can check out any time you like, But you just can never leave!” Therapy shouldn’t be like that. Dumbo didn’t have to hold on to his magic feather forever. He was able to let it go and get on with his life. Therapy should be about supporting and encouraging you to realize your own strengths and abilities. You should always be able to leave when you get what you want. This doesn’t mean you can’t come back if something else happens. Just remember the address and phone number.