How do you start again ? Over the years many patients came to see me dealing with break-ups , divorces, deaths of a spouse. I also had many people laid off from work , or on long strikes. One of the large corporations in the area had a number of long strikes that caused much conflict. Workers who had been at this company for over 20 years suddenly had to make a decision to go without a paycheck or to “cross” union lines. If they stayed out their families were at risk because of loss of financial support.. If they crossed they were immediately at risk of losing support of their friends of many years. Even after the strikes were over, the workers who crossed were not accepted back. They were ignored, insulted and some were even attacked. There were family members who stopped speaking to them. There were two brothers who had worked at the same company for many years. During the strike ,one of the brothers crossed and returned to work. His brother stopped speaking to him and told him he was no longer a member of the family. This has now lasted almost 15 years.
When someone does suffer such a loss of relationship ,or support ,they often feel totally overwhelmed . They can think of no way thru their loss. I saw people who totally withdrew and would avoid all human contact except for work or family obligations. One man, after his second divorce , literally had no contact with anyone outside of his work for over 20 years. He would go to work—to a job he hated- work his shift, come home, eat go to sleep, get up and do it again. On weekends he wouldn’t leave his house. He wouldn’t be able to sleep on Sunday nights knowing he would have to get up and go to work. His company began to have financial problems and laid off most of their workers. When he was laid off he became suicidal because he had lost the one social support that he had. He tried to get other jobs, but he would only be able to work for brief periods of time before breaking down again. Medication and therapy did help by assisting him to develop a minimal schedule for his life, but he is still extremely withdrawn. It might sound easy to get over it and start again, but it’s really not.
Another woman began a series of one-night stands after the break-up from her boyfriend. This boyfriend had been violent and manipulative. She had stayed and put up with him hoping he would change. He finally left and blamed her. She was devastated and the only solution she could think of was to find someone else quickly to ease her pain. She went thru many men until she hit her own wall and began therapy to find another way. Often these people would talk about no one being able to understand. One woman talked about this gigantic hole in the middle of her heart. She tried to fill it with men, with alcohol, and with drugs, but nothing worked .
I don’t know if there is a good way to start again. Maybe the best way is not to. I would always tell people after a divorce to not date for a while. I wanted them to work thru the pain and the loss. There was a very wise nurse at the hospital who would tell our patients that after a loss you had to go thru a year of holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. This was specifically about death of a loved one. We began to use it around loss of relationship issues and found that it seemed to fit. Divorce is often like a death. I had one woman tell our group in a joking way “It would have been better if he had died”. When no one laughed she was able to process that she really did mean this.
Loss is hard and pain is not fun. Nietzsche’s famous quote about what doesn’t kill you makes you strong does have some validity, but not at the beginning. In the beginning you need support. Often when an animal is hurt it tries to hide. When a person is hurt that may be the first response, but it is usually wrong. You want to get rid of the hurt as soon as you can, but it takes time. Try and find someone safe to talk to. You don’t need just another shoulder to cry on, you need people who can listen and offer support and sometimes give a shove in the right direction. Most of us have gone thru this in one way or another. No one can say they experienced your specific loss, but we all know what pain is like. There are a “hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore”. It’s not that “misery loves company” as much as we each need to find a way to get the support and find the right path thru the loss.