Why is it so hard to let go? No matter the age of your children, they are always YOUR children. They can be in their 40s, but you still see the cute toddler learning to walk. I think this is true for all parents. I remember two cases where this became very evident to me. One family had a very gifted son who had done well in grammar school and went to a very well known prep school. He went to a Big 10 University on an athletic scholarship. He appeared to be on the road to a successful life, but then problems began. He had a psychotic episode from which he never fully recovered. His family was fairly well off and they spared no expense in sending him to the best psychiatrists, the best hospitals and the best long-term treatments. This all happened in the early 1960s. At that time there was a general belief in long term residential care for young men like this. Medication was available, but was very unpleasant with some risky side effects. He did not do well with any treatment regimen. He left treatment and left home. He would disappear for long periods and then resurface. His parents are now in their mid 80s and still worry about him. They both have been in therapy for years trying to work thru this. They blame themselves despite everything they did for their son. They have two other children who have had fairly successful lives, but the son with the problems got most of their attention. The last I heard he was living in a special housing project out of state. He was able to support himself with social security and special work programs. He didn’t want an allowance from his parents, but they kept trying to help him. They were both concerned that because of their age and frailty they would not be able to visit him again. They were also concerned what would happen when they died. They have set up a trust fund and one of their healthy children will control it, but they still aren’t sure if this will be enough. Their son is now 65, but to them he is still their child who needs protection.
Another family had a son who had problems from kindergarten on. He was the oldest and had a younger bother. The younger brother was good in school, sports and socially. The oldest had problems with everything. He would steal from his parents and lie about it. He would lie about school, friends, and jobs. The parents kept making excuses for him and kept “enabling” him. Enable is a difficult word. It basically means protecting someone from consequences. The whole idea of “tough love” meant that all enabling stops and consequences have to occur. This family couldn’t do that because every time they tried, their son would end up hospitalized. He would claim to have heard command hallucinations to kill or he would “see “ devils. In retrospect these “hallucinations” are certainly suspect, but we had to respond. He had many hospitalizations and would seem to do well. He then was discharged and would soon go back to his problematic behavior. His parents didn’t know what to do. He stole a large amount of money from them and they were quite angry, but when they confronted him, he threatened suicide. This was overwhelming. Finally he went to far and threatened them. They did kick him out, but continued to support him financially for years. The father then had some health problems of his own and could no longer work. The money stopped. The son is now living a very risky life and may in fact be homeless. His parents have been able to set a limit that he cant live with them any longer because of their own health issues. He has a hard time with that and keeps trying to get them to let him come home. The father is still holding firm, but he is unsure if his wife will be able to continue to hold this limit.
As a therapist sometimes you can see with crystal clarity what should be done. You sometimes want to just begin yelling –“Kick him out!! Don’t give him any more money!! Call the police!!” However that usually doesn’t work. Once a parent, always a parent. There has to be some final bottom for parents to act.
Another family had a 19-year-old girl who ended up hospitalized. She was an honor student in high school and seemed to do well in college, but then broke down due to alcohol. She went thru treatment, but didn’t go back to school and seemed to lose her way. Her parents tried to help, but the she ended up in a state hospital. They held firm and set limits when she came home. She left home and something seemed to click. She has been sober for many years and is able to live independently. Her parents are still supportive, but she seemed to grow best when they stopped enabling.
Before we had children I thought I knew everything. After all I had graduate degrees and special training in family therapy. I could criticize other family members for their children’s behavior. Then we had our sons. Even to this day if they call with a problem we both begin to worry. Thankfully their problems have all been manageable and even the difficult ones have all been dealt with. They no longer call for answers, just for advice and sometimes they take it and sometimes they don’t. They are adults, but sometimes I still have trouble letting go of the little boys I love so much.