Christmas has never been the same since my sister’s sudden death eight years ago. I still remember the wonder we felt as children and I remember waking her up so we could sneak into the living room at 2 or 3 in the morning to see what Santa had left.
It does help to see my grandchildren and nieces and nephews have that same wonder, but I do miss my sister. She was the guardian of most of the family memories and my other sister and I often feel lost trying to remember family stories. The losses just seem more painful at Christmas because it is such a magical time of year. It is of course very materialistic. The Church always wants us to remember the “ reason for the season”. This is difficult with all of the pressure of the ads and the expectation that “this will be the best Christmas ever”. I think it helps to remember that this was really a pagan feast that the Church absorbed. The Winter Solstice was also a time of celebrating. Now almost all of the traditions of Christmas– Trees, Yule logs, Gifts , etc. have ties to those ancient feasts. The Christian churches want us to remember that Advent is the season to focus on the return of Christ. This is not what the media focuses on. All you hear is “sale, sale, bargain, bargain”. For me it helps to focus on this as a time of family celebration. The food, gifts, laughter all seems to be a sign of who we are. I think that is why this is such a bittersweet time. If you think about it, you really began your own self-definition in your family.The special events, birthdays, anniversaries,graduations, marriages,health issues of all your family members build your picture of what family was supposed to be. You carry on the values and traditions that you experienced there. As you grow older you have your own experiences, but the family imprint, good, or bad, will always be there. If you lose a family member thru death or alienation you really lose a part of yourself. You don’t have that person to talk to and say, “Remember when”.
The old proverb that “ Time Heals All Wounds” is true for the sharp pain that happens after the death, but the ache comes back and is always there. A sudden word, a certain smell, a special time of year, all bring back the memories and pain of loss. I once had a patient whose main issue was the drive-by death of her 19-year-old son that had happened 15 years before. She would have sudden migraines and overwhelming episodes of depression. She was very active in her Church, but had never been able to talk about it there. A real breakthrough for her occurred when she was finally able to talk about it with her fellow bible study members. She had a feeling of letting go and talked about the comfort they provided. Even that did not make the pain go away.
Another patient had trouble accepting the death of her four-year-old son. She would keep his room exactly the same as the day he died. She would continue to celebrate his birthday every year. She would drive by the school he would have attended and watch for the friends he would have had. She had another child, a daughter who was younger than the boy who died. She finally began to realize the effect this was having on her and began therapy. The day she packed up her son’s room was for her a real sign of acceptance. However this also didn’t make the pain go away.
The pain is always there and just becomes another part of life. We all have this marvelous ability to prioritize. As life goes on the pain can begin to slip into the background. However our brains are like giant hard drives and when the right trigger is pushed-be that a sound, a smell, or even a holiday, the memories come flooding back. The reality is that those losses are always with us,. As time goes on we adjust and we begin to get on with our lives as our loved ones would have wanted us too.
I know that we all go thru losses and that really is a part of life, but the general truth of this doesn’t help. So at sometime over the next two weeks I may even shed a tear as I think of those years we were all together. I hopefully will also have much laughter and love at the ones that still surround me. Merry Christmas. Remember what you had and treasure what you have.