Monthly Archives: April 2016

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Recently I have been thinking about death. This has been triggered by a number of things. Prince, an artist I liked, died suddenly. Merle Haggard, old country outlaw that he was, died on his birthday. Alan Rickman, a very fine actor, also died suddenly. However what troubled me the most was the sudden death of an ex patient. She was just 40 y/o and died of a pulmonary embolism. She had been on a disability for years that really affected her life, but she was trying to be happy. She had a loving family who really enjoyed her. Sudden death is always totally unexpected. .

I think we all believe we will live forever. Death seems like it happens to other people, but not to someone like me. In my culture death was always present. I still tell people that before I was 12, I had probably been to more wakes than anyone I knew. The Irish Catholics have rituals about death. There is the wake full of friends, relatives, and comforting words. In the old days, wakes were at least three days. I still have vague memories of my grandfather’s wake. My cousin and I were only five years old, and we were allowed to run around the funeral home for all three days. Wakes were gradually reduced. My own father and mother’s were two days. It is now only one day. The day of the funeral starts from the funeral home with a procession to the Church. There is the funeral mass and then the long procession to the cemetery. Now there are internment chapels. In the old days we would stand around an open grave as the priest said the final prayers. Now we all enter these beautiful buildings and say our final good byes. After that there is the funeral lunch. The lunch is now usually held in restaurants and includes family style food and drinks. After the lunch a select few are invited back to the family home for continued talk, drink, and more food.

This is the way my family has dealt with death in my lifetime. I know no matter what I do, this will happen to me. Recently I received a brochure from the Cremation Society of America. They were looking for business. They even offered a free cremation with a tasteful container if you joined as a family. Funeral homes now aggressively advertise and recommend pre-planning your funeral. I once jokingly told my wife that I wanted a funeral like in the movie “The Big Chill” with speakers blaring “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”. I don’t think she is in favor of that. I said that quite a few years ago but now death is certainly more present.

I think what bothers me now is the reality of how fragile life really is. This is not a forever thing. It can end at any time.   I still remember my mother never getting over my father’s death. I still see my grandmother praying two rosaries every day for my grandfather.

I have had quite a few patients threaten suicide and an unfortunate few who succeeded. I always tried to get the ones who were thinking about it to contract with me not to. I saw the family members of suicides totally crushed. They always thought if they could have just done one more thing, said one more thing, their loved one wouldn’t have died. I wanted my patients to hear about this . I always told them that their lives didn’t just belong to them , but also to those who loved them. The effects of a suicide can last generations. I remember treating a man in his sixties still trying to understand his own grandfather’s suicide. I had patients try suicide because a relative had and suicide became an answer to a difficult situation.

I know that for some people life seems unbearable, but death is forever and cant be taken back. As hard as it is think of those who love you. They wont get over it. Don’t kid yourself.

Now as I am in my seventh decade, my own denial system is still at work. Some days I still think the future is endless. Then there are those days when reality hits. Thankfully my health is still pretty good. I have a supportive wife and family. I still enjoy life and look forward to tomorrow. I keep reminding myself about the importance of focusing on the now. The sudden death of friends and people I know ,or am familiar with,  keeps interrupting that.

I know I still have a lot of work to do on this for myself. Maybe the answer is to  keep trying to live well so that no matter what I can have some positive memories no matter what or when.

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Last year around this time I met this rather strange old man at the gym. He began talking to me while we were both in the hot tub after I had worked out. He said “Do you like a good joke?” He then told me two or three double entendre jokes, which were really not funny. He then launched into his life story. He was 74 and married to a 50-year-old woman. His first wife of 40+ years had died and he had remarried. His current wife was an old customer of his. After the marriage he had moved in with her and her adult children and was still supporting them. He was somewhat estranged from his own adopted son who had not been in favor of this marriage. I was polite and listened, but it really was almost like work.

I didn’t see him again until Wednesday when he again approached me in the hot tub with his line “Do you like a good joke?” He then told me the same ones he had told me a year ago. This time I didn’t stay around long enough for the rest of the story. An older woman entered the pool and he began talking to her about his 50 y/o wife. He seemed sad and probably lonely, but I really didn’t want to hear his stories.

Today while I was swimming he again approached me with “Do you like a good joke?” He then started to tell me the same jokes until I cut him off and began to swim. As I was swimming I noticed that he had cornered a young man and was going thru his routine. The kid looked really uncomfortable but really didn’t know what to do.

I continued my workout and went to shower and dress. As I was getting dressed, I heard the old man in another part of the locker room starting again. He had cornered two or three guys and was trying to tell them the same old jokes he had told two or three times already.

I was really irritated by this as I left the gym. Then I began to think who the hell do I think I am? This guy is only four years older than me and is probably very lonely. His home life sounds pretty desperate and he is trying to make some social contact. He keeps using a routine that probably worked for him at one point in time. There are guys who still think that to be one of the good old boys you have to start by telling a dirty joke. It might still work in a bar, but it doesn’t work really well in the kind of mixed gym we go to.

How do you make social contact with new people? One of my old patients and I would laugh over cheesy pickup lines:

“Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

Are you a 90 degree angle? Cause you are looking right!

Hey gorgeous! I’ve just finished studying the book of numbers. But I noticed I don’t have yours.”

(The one that I would probably use is: “ I’m single and desolate. Can you help me?”)

However this is really not a joke for older people. Many of our friends are dead or gone or focused on their own families. Sometimes I have noticed my own sons rolling their eyes when I tell them stuff because they really don’t want to hear it. Maybe they are starting to think of me like I was thinking of the guy at the gym. One of my friends said that he never wanted to be like his parents and just talk about his ailments. He now knows that he does it quite a bit. Older parts just don’t seem to work as well as they used to. We do repeat ourselves and our memories are often dysfunctional if not totally absent.

Bette Davis’ famous line : “Old Age ain’t for Sissies” still rings true. A couple of years ago my brother-in-law’s sister had asked for our help in moving some things into her apartment at a retirement center. I still remember carrying stuff down this long dark hallway that had many apartment doors. They were all closed and very quiet. It was almost like a mausoleum. She died a year later in a nursing home. It was a very good nursing home, but no matter how good, they all have patients strapped into wheel chairs and there is always a smell of urine. Old age can be a very lonely time. There is a very solid body of research that shows increased social contact can delay Dementia and Alzheimer’s in the elderly. There are senior clubs and “senior outings”, but I’m not ready for that yet. I don’t feel like a senior. I’m still too much into rock & roll, but maybe, just maybe, I should start thinking about this more

So I will try to not be such a judgmental jerk to the guy at the gym. I just don’t want to hear his jokes any more.