Almost April! Almost Spring ! The weather has been warmer and I think it is now OK to say we have had a very mild winter. The seasons seem to change quicker now. When I was younger they all lasted longer. Winter was never going to end, Spring was beautiful and Summer was endless. Now they seem to pass as if they are all on fast forward. I think I still focus on the aging process too much.
I would like to be able to focus on the now. Sometimes when I am running or swimming I can slip into that. It used to be called the runner’s high, but to me it just seems like time stops having any real meaning. I once had a patient who was really into meditation. He would talk about that type of experience in his own life. He was upset that it didn’t happen every time he meditated. It still happens for me when I am running, but I don’t run as much as I used to.
I now say that about a lot of my life. I don’t do many things as much as I used to. Most of the time that is OK, but sometimes I get down on myself for not doing more when I know what the positive outcome would be. Lately I have been thinking about old stories. One was about a talking dog. Supposedly one friend was telling another about the wonder of this talking dog. The other friend asked, “What did he say?” The first said, “I don’t know. The wonder is that he could talk at all!” I need to keep focusing on what I can do and not what I cant or don’t. Too many of our friends never had the opportunity to retire because of health, financial, or family problems. I have been very lucky in all of those areas so far. I need to enjoy them while I can.
The other story is about the Indian chief who tried to explain life to his son. He told him, “We all have two wolves inside us. One is made up of anger and fear and envy. The other is made of peace and love and kindness. Your life will be made up of which wolf you choose”. The son asked, “How will I know which wolf to choose?” The chief said, “It depends on which one you feed”.
I know that is a very old story but it is relevant to me today. It seems so easy to focus on positives, things to be grateful for. Instead the negatives are much easier. One group we had was made up of codependent women. (one woman said all women are codependent—but that’s another story). In any case in this group we thought we would do a simple exercise to increase self worth. The other co-therapist (also a male) suggested all the women look into a small mirror and begin saying positive things about themselves. We couldn’t get any of the women to participate. They all said it was too hard. We realized that thinking positive is a skill that needs to be learned and then practiced.
I know when I’m down and someone says “Think positive, Be Grateful”, I want to tell them that they don’t understand. I guess it really is me who doesn’t understand that I need to practice being positive more so when I do have down days I can call up that skill.
I once had a patient who had been in recovery for a number of years. He was upset that he wasn’t in a relationship. He thought it was because he just wasn’t good enough. He was very active in his recovery and even volunteered at the NA office in Chicago. One day he had a breakthrough. He was answering their emergency phone and a call came in. He recognized the caller as a female friend who had gone thru treatment with him. She had relapsed and was quite upset. He offered her support and then began to gently ask her what had happened. He told me that he asked her if she was following thru with all the treatment recommendations that they both had received. These included regular attendance at 12 Step meetings, establishing contact with a 12 Step sponsor and getting involved in recovery activities. She had dropped all of that. What he told me was that he realized that he had followed thru with all the recommendations and had stayed clean. He talked about how grateful he was for that. He then talked about how had begun making a grateful list every morning. No matter how bad the day got he could always pull out the list and at least find one thing to be grateful for. I was always impressed with such a simple idea and have recommended it to many people over the years. Now I need to practice it for myself so I have something positive to feed my wolf.
