Do relationships ever really end? The goodness or badness of a relationship is not as important as the intensity when it starts. Once a relationship starts it is always there somewhere in your consciousness. Any relationship is a commitment, but how people define that commitment is important. I think the romantic ideal of marriage of everyone living happily ever after is false. Life doesn’t go like that, but the living ever after does in one way or another. I have had people very upset because their significant other called them by an ex wife or husband’s name. This is obviously never a good idea. In romantic relationships one of the first stages is called limerance. This is when endorphins and testosterone and estrogen go wild. You literally get high being with the object of your desire. This stage can last for a while but then it passes. The next stages are commitment or abandonment. Some people can only manage the first stage and can never really commit. They have serial relationships and always leave someone hurt. They always look for the “one” where the limerance will last forever. They also begin comparing current partners with past ones. The past relationships still live on inside their heads
On the other hand some people stay in unhappy relationships/marriages because any other option is unthinkable. The commitment part is something they really bought into. There is a very old story of a couple in their 90s who decided to divorce. When questioned about this they both said they wanted to wait until all their children had died. I did see a patient who stayed with her very abusive spouse for almost fifty years. They lived in the same house, but literally had it divided with a line separating each one’s possessions. When I asked her why she stayed she got very defensive and said that she had made a vow and intended to keep it. The positive side of this is that one of my old mentors said that it was really possible to “fall in love” with your spouse many times over the course of a lifetime. Perhaps the whole idea of “falling in love” is to lose some control of yourself and be open to the possibilities of another person. “Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be”
I’ve been thinking of relationships and commitment since dog sitting my son’s Husky. I volunteered to stay at my son’s house and watch him while they were on vacation. He is a very smart dog. One of the strange TV memories of my youth is the Lassie TV show. I think it was on Sunday nights. Every episode continued to prove that Lassie was one of the smartest creatures in the Universe. I’m not just talking about dogs. This was a veritable Albert Einstein with four legs. Nothing was impossible for this creature. She would find Timmy who had fallen down a well at least every other week while fighting mountain lions, rattle snakes, criminals and having her own puppies on the side. You always knew Lassie would find a way to save the day. Timmy was a whole other problem. If I were one of Timmy’s parents, I would really have started to have some concerns for this kid. At the very least I would have had a chip implanted in him so we knew where he was most of the time.
My son’s Husky is in the Lassie mold. He is getting older and doesn’t move as well as he use too. Despite his age he still is a dog that should never be left alone for any long period. He was adopted when he was 2-3 years old. Prior to that he had lived on the street and survived by his wits. The fact that he had survived on the mean streets of Philadelphia says a lot about his intelligence. His diet was basically anything he could eat. Over the years we all have stories of this dog stealing food from us. Once he jumped up and took two steaks wrapped in plastic wrap off the stove. I chased him all over the house, but he swallowed the steaks whole-plastic wrap and everything. He has taken sandwiches, crackers, etc from all of us. He was good and really didn’t get into any trouble the week I was there. I would be woken up every morning by rolling over and seeing his face on the bad with his sad soulful eyes encouraging me to get up. He would go out, come in, eat and wait for me to take him for a walk. I can tell he is getting older because he did tire out on some of the walks, but he still wanted to go. The whole thing about deciding to have a dog is that is a commitment. As they get older they get more and more dependent and it can get to be a real burden. However the whole nature of the relationship demands you continue to be there. I know people who went into extended periods of grief after the death of their dog. The dog becomes part of the family and really a part of you. Losing them is like losing a part of yourself. Maybe we define ourselves by the sum of all the relationships we have had. Yet if you begin to think of all of the relationships with people and pets and even things that made you who you are, this becomes even more complicated. Perhaps it is just another reason to be grateful for those around us today.